What to do when your child doesn't get a lead role

Written by a parent, qualified family therapist and theatre practitioner with lived experience!

There is only one Maria in The Sound of Music. There is only one Troy in High School Musical. There is only one Matilda in Matilda.

… Which makes it very difficult for the child who is desperate for a role like this, but isn’t cast in it.

We all remember when we were kids hoping, wanting, and dreaming for something that was important to us, but then being terribly disappointed.

And while that disappointment was acutely felt at first, the truth is that in time, it passes, and we bounce back.

As parents, we don’t want our children to experience pain – we want to protect them from it, at all costs! But the reality is that life will bring us many disappointments, and it’s how we respond to emotional crises that makes us stronger.

It’s actually an important life lesson for children to learn how to manage and work through disappointment, so that they build resilience and become able to reframe a negative experience in a positive light later, through lessons they’ve learned. That’s just how we grow. Theatre can bring many brilliant experiences - but it can also teach tough ones.

So if your child doesn’t get the role they want in a play or musical, view it as a teachable moment.

Acknowledge how disappointing it must be for your child – don’t dismiss their feelings.

They might need to have a cry.

They might feel life isn’t fair.

They might lash out at others, and accuse them of favouritism, or being mean, or worse.

But as the grown-up in the room, it’s your chance to calmly hold all that emotion for your child, offer comfort, and help them self-regulate.

When there are big feelings filling the space, you do need to be careful that you do not allow your own emotions to fuse with your child’s – so that all you feel is their rage, their pain, and their point of view alone, only to find yourself getting worked up and upset too. That will only escalate the situation for your child, and reinforces any negativity they are already feeling.

Instead, after they’ve settled a little, you can try and adjust their perspective. As an adult, you logically know that there are reasons why your child wasn’t cast.

If you’re not familiar with the theatrical process, here are some of the considerations directors have to think about when casting kids in musicals and plays.

• Whether roles have more of a singing or acting bias (in musicals): for some roles, they need to find a performer who has a particular strength in order to execute it well.

• Vocal range of the character’s song repertoire: Can the child sing high enough or low enough to manage the part?

• The ‘look’ of a role: Is it believable for your child to play the role? For instance, if they are the tallest in the class and towering over all the other students, it might not be believable for them to play little orphan Annie, no matter how much they want the role. The director needs to cast with the whole ensemble in mind as he/she is responsible for the overall look of the show; assigning characters appropriately is part of this.

• Whether the child has previously demonstrated reliability with the tasks they’ve been given in the past: Are they ready for more responsibility? Do they apply themselves in class, learn their lines and practice their song and dance routines at home? Or do they show up each week having forgotten everything that was rehearsed last week? Taking responsibility in small things leads to responsibility in bigger things.

There are many other considerations besides – these are just a few. Casting is actually quite complicated and takes much thoughtful discussion amongst the team. There are creative decisions and practical decisions involved. Like it or not, auditions are a selective process. Not all our programs at Perform Australia have auditions, but for the ones that do, it's important to recognise that choices have to be made.

If your child did not get the part they want:

• Many children may have applied for the same role

• Another child may have done a better audition on the day

• Your child may have been closely considered for the role, but missed out by a whisker

• In the director’s professional opinion, they are much more suited to a different role – and they might be right!

• Your child may not be as strong as some other performers in the class, and needs more experience before they are able to be assigned a larger role.

We recommend:

• You encourage your child to ask to the teachers about what they need to do to improve - teachers love this question and will always respond enthusiastically: that's a committed performer right there!

• You remind your child about any feedback that the teachers have given.

• If your child has a role in the ensemble, encourage them to embrace that willingly; almost all kids start out in the ensemble before getting a lead role. Kids that work hard, are expressive, and fully participate in the ensemble are likely to be spotted and kept in mind for featured moments on stage that are created during rehearsal, or future roles in future projects. Attitude is everything!

Most of all, it is important for kids to remember that learning the skills of a performer takes time. As with anything, the more you do, the better you get. Confidence and ability will come.